1. The keyboard on this little Netbook is borked. The function key appeard to be stuck (though it doesn’t look like it) so I have to use a secondary USB attached keyboard in order for certain keys to work, like the shift for caps. I have one of those silicon roll up keyboards so it’s all ok.
2. Last night we had Thanksgiving supper at work. I didn’t bother going home. Boy walked to the Centre (though he wasn’t happy about it) and we had a lovely meal. I had potatoes and gravy, which is something I don’t usually do. I did resist the dressing, though I did taste it and it was mighty good. We went and picked up a few groceries we needed (and kitty litter – fuck! that stuff is heavy!) and got home somewhere around 8ish.
3. Today’s lunch is going to be takeout of some sort. Lunch at work is ravioli so I’d have to scrounge. Since the boss has to take some pee into Parole I’ll follow along and pick something up at the mall’s food court. Maybe I’ll do some Japanese food.
4. Life post-Thomas is getting easier. It’s sort of settled into a routine that is fairly okay. I don’t get many of the sharp pangs, I don’t feel like bursting into tears all the time. I can even look at photos of him without breaking down and being depressed for days at a go. I wonder if he thought about how hard life would be for Boy and I after he died. I don’t think he did it on purpose, just that sometimes I feel like he didn’t work at preventing the process either. Maybe it’s just me needing to still be angry at him for leaving in such a permanent way.
5. Work is going well. I have to say that I’m happy my boss’s honeymoon was delayed to December. i shouuld have a fairly good handle on things bby then to be able to deal with the general administration stuff in the two weeks he’ll be away. I’ll also have the help of the VP (owner’s son) to make sure the place stays standing.
6. Yes, I should be working, but I don’t want to and i have the luxury of stalling work for now.
7. I have to remember to pick up bedding for the chinchillas.
8. The weather is lovely right now. We’ve had a few rainy days, but not too many. For the most part the sun has been shining, the temperatures have been nicely moderate, below 20 (room temp) during the day. This means that I may, or may not need a light sweater when I’m outside. It’s chilly enough to definitely need a sweater or jacket at night. The best thing is that I’ve not needed a fan running in my room for nearly three weeks. That’s an awesome thing. I just leave the wondow open and my bedroom is nicely chilly all night long.
9. I think I’m going to go out taking photos this weekend. I’m on call, but so long as I stay in town, I can do that. I’ve taken Tuesday off so will have a 4 day weekend. On Tuesday I can go anywhere I want to take photos. I’m thinking maybe I’ll go off to Beaver Creek again. That’s always a nice place and shouuld be lovely at this time of year, even if all the trees have dropped their folliage.
10. Thanks to my increased salary and the addition of CPP Survivor benefits, Canada Student Loans is wanting me to pay $500 a month. There is good news to this. The government will pay the interest and I pay down the principle. It won’t make much of dent in the money I owe, but anything is better than nothing. i’m going to try to continue to pay down the loan even after my wages go back to the old pay scale. I want to pay it down, I just wish I could afford to pay more.
11. I just went to Parole and now I have lunch to eat. I may or may not continue this or not.
I think that’s it, at least for now.
It’s been a little over 7 months since Thomas died. I’m getting used to being alone. I don’t like it, but I’m getting used to it. I find there are still times when I’m blind-sided by something, a memory, a smell, that will knock me for a loop. Yesterday it was remembering how soft his earlobes were. I don’t evebn know where it came from.
My life has settled into a routine that I’m trying to shake up. So this weekend I went to the Pumpkin Patch with my friend from work. She wanted to pick up a pile of pumpkins (turned out it was 16 pumpkins) for work. She uses them for decoration for Thanksgiving and then they get carved for Hallowe’en. Both events involve the children of staff and residents as well as the staff and residents themselves. We usually have at least three residents who are willing to get their hands sticky though we don’t always have kids present.
On Sunday I went to the cemetery with another friend to take photographs. If you click on my Tumblr link you’ll see photos that I took this weekend, both at the Pumpkin Patch and the cemetery. Both days were nice. I would have stayed in the cemetery longer, but I had to go to the bathroom rather urgently. I want to go to other places as well.
It’s fall here. A lot of the trees have let their folliage drop already, but there are some that still hang on. Unlike Eastern Canada, we don’t tend to get lingering falls with leaves staying all pretty for a span of time. Generally what we get is a day or two of the trees resplendent in yellow (no sugar maple reds in Saskatchewan) and then *fwump* they fall in one night, or the wind blows them off. After that they’ll be crushed into dust and cause my allergies to activate until they’re covered over with snow.
We have new neighbours in the upstairs suite again. Boy was worried when they moved in because there were children (he called them proto-humans) pressent in the crowd that was moving boxes and furnishings in. However, it appeasr that there are no children. Boy is thankful for that because he’s grown up to be a rather curmugeoiny young man who doesn’t like kids.
I still haven’t sold Thomas’s truck. I have to do that soon. In July I moved up to the Counsellor job when the Counsellor was suddenly taken out by maternity leave. She wasn’t due for another month but blood pressure issues made early labour necessary. Happily, both she and her baby boy are doing well. I’ve adapted well to the new posiition. There are times when there is nearly no work to do, however. I don’t mind. I have a corner office (because the Executive Director didn’t want to move his office because it would mean that he’d have to clean up). My succulents are extremely happy with the south facing window.
I guess I should go back to pretending to work.
I’m just finding that I have little to say.
It’s nearly 2 months since Thomas died. Every day, and every way, I miss him. The feeling of loss is as palpable as the feeling of the keyboard under my fingertips. He’s nearly always on my mind, when I read something on the internet I know he’d love, when I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, when I drive to work, when I talk to Boy…all the time.
I’m not ready to be alone. I’m not ready to face my dotage without having Thomas at my side. I’m not ready.
I’d rather it have stopped the day before Thomas died. I’d still have him in my life. I’d still be able to share the cool things I encounter. I’d hear him laugh as he reads comics. I’d see his smile when he sees me. I miss him.
I’m taking on a new position at work. Near the end of the month I’ll be moving into the case worker position. It will mean that I will do a whole lot less support work (which involves building checks, filling supplies, handing out meds and YMCA passes, etc.) and doing more paperwork and more direct support/counseling with residents. I’ll still be running the Reporting Centre, which I was originally hired to do five years ago. The good thing is that part doesn’t involve a whole lot of work. It’s more of a step side-ways.
This move will help me move to the counselor position when the current counselor goes on maternity leave. I’ll be working her job for a year while she’s enjoying having her third baby. When she comes back, I’m move back into the case worker position. Hopefully, this move will help me get a job with probation. The current case worker is moving on to become a CX (guard) at one of the provincial jails.
With the disruption that has been going on with my sleep of late, working day shifts really fucks me over badly. Worse yet, this week I had to switch to an evening shift on one day (working until midnight) because of a doctor’s appointment in the morning. This means that I had to get up at 6 am after working until midnight the day before. On three of the days I had a nap in the evening because I just couldn’t keep awake any longer…usually around 6 pm. I’d wake up at 10 and then go back to bed again at 1 or 2. I’d wake up around 5 and then doze until dragging myself out of bed between 6 and 6:30.
Boy had another toenail removed yesterday. More to the point, he got it re-removed. He’s been having trouble with hangnails on his big toes for the past couple of years. They did a partial excision (taking it off on either side of the nail) but that didn’t stop the problem. Just after Thomas died, Boy kicked an ice buildup on the underside of my car and popped the nail mostly off the nail bed. That was removed the week before the memorial. His other big toe was having issues again with hangnails and so he made the appointment for late yesterday.
When I went in to see the doctor on Tuesday to get forms for Student Loans filled out, I got a requisition for massage therapy. I have to have one in order to have my supplementary health insurance cover the costs. I’ve been having a lot of problems with my stress being reflected in neck and upper back pain. It gets bad enough that it radiates down my back and through to the front of my chest. All I have to do is tip my head to the right and front a bit, and the muscles of my left back stretch out and pain shoots through to the front of my rib cage. I also talked about a couple of other things, but I can’t recall off-hand what they were. We did talk about Thomas and life after his death, both for me and for him (the doctor). He’s a good guy.
I cut the very tip of my pinky finger. You know, one would think that cutting up an avocado wouldn’t be quite such an issue, but I was a little less than careful and managed to cut straight down onto the tip of my finger. It bled like crazy. Now, it’s very contact sensitive so typing is an issue. As well, there is skin protruding above the fingertip that catches on things. I’m wearing one of those fingertip bandages. While offering my fingertip some nice protection, it’s making typing interesting.
My coworkers are hosting a fundraising steak night for Boy and I on Sunday evening. At first I was going to go, then I decided to stay home. It feels awkward that people are raising money for me. Then I decided to go anyway. Boy and I will be attending. Despite how awkward it is going to feel, those people are kind enough to buy tickets, attend and probably buy tickets on a dessert auction, raffle and 50/50 tickets. I should be ok enough to go and thank them.
After that I’ll drop Boy off at home and head to poetry. I’ll be late, probably not have a seat, but I’ll be there. I missed the past two weeks because I just couldn’t get out of the house. I want to go again. I don’t know how long I’ll keep going to the events. For now, it’s almost a compulsion and I feel greatly guilty if I don’t go.
For any Canadians out there reading. If you have Firefox and a subscription to Netflix, you can watch American content (the Canadian content being pathetically paltry) by downloading an add-on called “Media Hint”. This will allow you to view American content without having to use an American DNS. It makes life much less trouble. I’m disappointed that I haven’t been able to see the A&E programs I like (The First 48, for one), but there are lots of other programs that I’ve not looked at. Right now I’m watching “Alaska State Troopers”. I look forward to seeing more programs. I have Boy to thank for this joyous addition to our lives. He’s been watching all kinds of new shows, which is nice for him, because aside from his very sore toe, he’s been sick with a nasty cold and having something to entertain him as been a good thing.
There’s not a whole lot more to say right now. I’m thinking of laying down for another nap.
I didn’t tell him to be safe and careful and to remember that I loved him. That was what we said to each other for nearly all our married life. Once, when we were still relative newly weds, I forgot and his day was ruined because of it. Since then I’d been careful to remember. I didn’t this time. While I know it’s silly and pointless, I can’t help but get the feeling that if I’d remembered, he wouldn’t have died.
I don’t know if it’s because of this, or because I need the comfort food, but I’ve been eating bread again. I’ve also been paying the price of doing so with diarrhea and abdominal cramping. Right now I feel like I don’t have a right to be healthy. I have his entire supply of medications, including dilaudid. I’m not going to take them, but I still have them. Eating bread appears to be functioning as a low grade poisoning.
Sometime in the next few weeks I have to sell Clifford, the big red truck. Boy and I will empty it out, wash it and get it detailed before we do so. We’ll also see if we can fix the passenger seat. It’s stuck adjusted as far back as it can go. We couldn’t see anything in the way, but the lever isn’t working and I want to have it fixed before I sell the truck.
I’m not having much success in dealing with Thomas’s death. Everything that I do, everywhere I go, I’m reminded of his absence. I have to do much of the shopping alone now. I pay the bills. I drive Boy here and there around town. He’s not in the living room, at his computer. He’s not laying in bed snoring or reading his latest book. The only thing that appears to be still functioning is his Tumblr account. He used the queue function and, apparently, had enough to carry through for a long time.
I’ve sent a message to Facebook asking that the memorialize his account. This will mean that people will be able to write on his wall, but there will no longer be new updates and no friends can be added. We’ll see how long that takes. My co-worker, whose husband died a few years ago did that with his account. This way people can still “talk” to him in some small way.
I’m tired. Down to the bone, to the very core of my being, I’m exhausted. This past week I slept well on two nights. I’m pretty sure it was the sleep of the exhausted. Now I’m back to the usual 3 or 4 hours of disturbed, light sleep. I have thought of sleeping pills, but I don’t want to risk the addiction value, and I have enough drugs in the house as it is.
On a less death related note, I’m thinking of getting Netflix. I have to get the Canadian version of it. I could get the American version, but that would mean having to use a proxy server and that complicates my life a bit more than I can deal with right now. Having the Canadian version isn’t so bad as it has a lot of BBC programs available. However, having the American version would mean access to A&E and TLC and some of the other networks that broadcast true crime programs. EDITED TO ADD: I became a member of Netflix. Right now I have a free month. At first blush, I’m disappointed.
I’ve mostly settled into work. My schedule is going to be screwed up for the next while. One of our support staff quit and the case worker gave notice on Friday. This means that, until new staff is hired, cleared, and trained, current staff have to cover shifts. In a few months I’ll be taking over the counsellor job while the current counsellor goes on maternity leave for a year.
If they don’t hire a guy for the case worker position, I’m going to want it. It’s solid evenings, but I can live with having a regular hours instead of having to change from days to evenings each week. My weekends, however, would suffer. I’d have to work them and have a “weekend” on Tuesdays and Wednesdays instead.
It’s a word I rather like. I’m going to use it at work at the first opportunity.
I’m sick today. For the past two days I’ve been working with the disadvantage of laryngitis. My voice would cut in and cut out. Paging people over the loudspeaker was an interesting case of frustration to the point of having to ask the boss to do it for me. Today I woke up with a sore throat so I called in sick. There’s no point in being there if I hurt and I have no voice. I have to go in on the weekend so that I can write up the monthly and quarterly reports. It shouldn’t take too terribly long. I’ll not have to do the usual support work. I’ll just close myself into Admin and work away.
Today marks 1 month, 4 weeks, since Thomas died. Perhaps that’s why I’m sick. Perhaps my body just had enough and needed to shut down for a little while. I miss him terribly. I know that’s to be expected. I miss him all the time, but sometimes it’s more difficult to deal with than others. For example, when I’m reading comics and find one that I know would cause him to laugh, I’d email him the link. I loved hearing his chuckle across the rooms. There are a hundred different things that happen through the day that I would have either told him about or shared with him in some way or another. He’s not there anymore to do that with.
On the bright side, I’ve only gotten one, “He’s in a better place.” My co-worker said that people would say some very stupid things in their attempt to comfort me. Thus far there have only been two, this person and my brother-in-law. Last night Boy showed me the sympathy cards he got at work. It was very sweet of them. He was rather impressed that, as well as his co-workers, all the supervisors, and managers and even one of the owners signed the cards. He may not be over the moon about his job, he does (for the most part) like the people he works with. As well, Thomas worked there the year before last so several of them knew him and knew how close Boy was to his Dad.
That reminds me. I have to arrange to have the phone bill sent to me so it can be paid. I also have to talk to him about cancelling his phone and changing me to the primary account holder.
That’s all I want to write.
I know that change is inevitable. It’s the only constant in our lives. Usually I find that change isn’t so hard to deal with, but I”m sure that everyone will understand that this time I’m making an exception.
I’m slowly adapting. I still don’t sleep well, but I’m getting used to not having the second person in bed with me, to not hearing him snore, or laugh (he read in bed a lot). I have to rearrange the room and stuff. I guess I’ll do that this coming weekend. I’ll clean it out as well.
I’m back to work again. Work is work. It’s a nice break from the thoughts. Today I spent time doing front end admin stuff that I’d not been able to do for a few weeks because I wasn’t there. Tomorrow I start preparations for month end at the end of the week. The month has flown by. This coming Thursday will be 28 days since Thomas’s death.
I got some head bands to hold back my hair. I still haven’t decided if I’m going to cut it or leave it grow out. Thomas was never a great help in this type of decision since he didn’t care one way or the other. He liked both.
I bit my lip today. Now I have a huge lump on the inside right front of my lip. It seems that I end up biting it more often now that there’s something sticking out to catch between my teeth. I have to say, that sucks. I can hardly wait for it to go down so that I can chew normally again.
Today was the memorial. There were fewer people than I expected, but the weather was crap the past days so people from out of town weren’t able to make it. People talked about their feelings of loss and their remembrances of Thomas. It was quite beautiful.
I’m glad to be home.
Though I did address the gathered group, I couldn’t do as some did, talk about their feelings. There really are no words to express the depth and breadth of loss and distress I feel.
Three weeks ago, Thomas died. At this time on that day I was sitting at my desk, stunned, nearly paralyzed with shock and grief. Since then I’ve come to accept the reality of what has happened. In many ways I think it was eased somewhat by having seen his corpse, both immediately after his death, and then a few days later to identify it for the funeral director. There’s mixed feelings about that though. Yes, I saw his body and it was still. But it was all wrong. My expectation was that he was just faking it, that he would get up off the gurney and come home with me.
Today I changed the title on his truck to me and renewed the plates for two months. That will give me some time to get it cleaned out and cleaned up (his truck is filthy). I should be able to get between $13000 and $15000 for it. That will give us a nice cushion. I’ll probably give Boy some of it and then sock away the rest in some kind of investment thing.
I also picked up the memorial cards and picked up the key for the church where the memorial will be held. I decided not to do a PowerPoint show of photos. I can’t deal with that. I still find it impossible to look at photos of him without feeling like my heart is being torn out again.
Tomorrow I take Boy to an appointment for counselling. He was scheduled for this prior to Thomas’s death. I hope this helps him process this very profound loss in his life.
I’m watching Ancient Discoveries. The episode I”m watching right now is called “Ancient Death Machines” about ancient weapons that were very efficient at killing people, including the trebuchet, catapult, a multiple arrow launcher that might have been the first automatic weapon and more. It’s a series about inventions that rival ours, or used technology similar to our own. It’s done by BBC (I think).
I’m tired of writing.