Seismic Twitch

The decision of the family is unanimous. No heroic measures are going to be used to resuscitate Dad. We are also not going to have them do much in the way of other measures, including dialysis. There’s not much point to it really. The blood tests aren’t all back yet. They’re trying to find out if he has an infection that is caused his kidneys to shut down.

Dad does have basic responses, but none of them bode well. When the nurses attend to him, take his pulse/blood pressure or wash him, he fights it.This doesn’t mean that he is aware of what he’s doing. He can’t swallow and therefore hasn’t taken any meds since he was found unconscious on Friday afternoon/evening. He doesn’t respond to commands of any sort and doesn’t respond to my brother’s voice.

We’re going to let nature take its course. The nurses will keep him comfortable, that’s all.

So now we wait for the inevitable.

To help me Bran has taken me on two car rides to help settle me down. He did that when my dog died in 1985. He would’ve done it if we had a car when my Mom died in 1993. He did that tonight. We went and got snacks for all of us. Did you know that Chapman’s Ice Cream company makes a no-sugar added, lactose free ice cream? They do. Only 14 grams of carbs per 1/2 C serving. That’s better than regular ice cream.

We went through the real estate listings for town as well. It was something to occupy my mind with and do a little bit of dreaming. It was a nice distraction. While we did that Golden Eye played on the DVD player. Laundry tomorrow so that we have clean clothes to to down to see Dad on Monday with. I’ll be sorting through the stuff collected over the years of Mom and Dad’s lives together (including “treasures” given to them by us kids). I don’t know what to do with things like their letters to each other from before they were married, Mom’s nursing uniform (100% cotton that had to be ironed and starched), Mom’s wedding dress and Dad’s wedding suit, and a plethora of other bits and pieces of so much living.

Thank you all, those who commented and those who are just thinking of me and my family. Your support means more than I could possibly say.

Writing has always been my chosen form of expression. When I get highly emotional talking, being able to form cogent sentences abandons me. However, I can write. Maybe it uses a different part of the brain.

Speaking of brains. Yeah. Dad’s in hospital and won’t likely be going home. He’ll probably go to a home, just not his own. Apparently in the past months (who knows really how long) Dad’s mind has been leaving him. Because of issues I have with my older brother I haven’t gone down to visit Dad. The last time I saw Dad was when my oldest brother (not the one I have issues with) was visiting him and was able to drive up here. That was several months ago. Dad didn’t want to drive 2.5 hours on his own. That was ok though. I was content with short monthly phone calls.

On Monday my sister phoned. Dad is in hospital she says. Dad probably has dementia she says. It sounded bad enough then when she hadn’t gotten much information but hearing back on the history of things, yeah, it’s worse.

Apparently Dad has been forgetting who people are, like not remembering my brother, who lives with Dad. He wanted to know where Mom was. She’s been dead 17 years. There’s more, lots more.

Today my sister called to say that Dad won’t be going home. Even if my brother were to take advantage of the EI program for caregivers (a year off with unemployment benefits similar to maternity leave but designed for people who are caregivers of elderly parents) he’d have to be alert and on duty 24/7. Dad’s a wanderer. The hospital had to put him in a restraining chair. Yeah. And Dad figured out how to get out of it. He’s always been able to figure things like that out. This time it wasn’t a good thing. He was found to be wandering from room to room in the hospital.

He doesn’t appear to be worried about going home, at least that’s not the impression I was getting from my sister. I hope that’s the case. I’d hate for him to be fretful about being surrounded by strangers (but even family is getting to be like that) and wanting to go home. I’d like for him to be ok wherever he is.

We’re going down tomorrow to see him. My sister is going to be on the bus from her home in Alberta tomorrow as well. She arrives there sometime around 9 pm. We might see her. It depends on sunset times. Bran doesn’t want to drive home facing into the sunset. The glare is difficult enough when the sun is behind.

So now I get to grieve losing Dad. His body will be there, but he might not. Or at least the Dad I’ve come to know as an adult might not be there. It’s possible that I might be looking into my own future where I don’t know my son, my husband.

Life has gotten more difficult all of a sudden.