Seismic Twitch

I’ve sunk down a lot with my feelings about Dad dying. I’ve preferred quiet to talking. Boy and Bran went out to Shell Lake to be with friends today. I opted to stay at home. I didn’t feel up to being with people and welcomed the time in solitude.

I got most of my order from Panda Hall. They left out one of the spacer bead orders though. I contacted them that day, and of course, made a typo in the email. It should be straightened out soon, I hope. I didn’t pay much for them, but I’m missing out 2000 pieces of stuff I paid for.

Since the order arrival, and after I checked it, I started to experiment with what I could create. I’ve made several bracelets and some earrings. I’d make more earrings but I don’t have many earring backs (I use rubber backs) left. Getting more will have to wait for a bit. For the time being I’ve deleted my Esty inventory. I’ll let you know when I put anything up for sale there again.

One of the bracelets I made uses up some of the sandalwood beads from a necklace that Boy finally gave me. I love the scent of sandalwood and having a bracelet made of it pleases me no end. I’ll have to get a picture of it for you to see. I’ve not made another like it thus far.

The best part of the items I ordered is that they’re nickel free. Nickel is usually what people react to in metals. There’s no (or little) nickel in surgical steel and that’s what the earring hooks are made of. The eyepins, chain, bead caps and spacer beads I bought are all nickel free. That can be a selling point of my product. I haven’t found any nickel free wire though. I want some half-hard silver wire that is nickel free, but can’t find any.

Because I’m doing something with my hands, my mind needs to be occupied with other things. I’ve always found it difficult to do only one thing at a time, except for reading. I still prefer to have no noise or distraction when I’m reading. But I bead, do crosswords, crochet, knit, etc. to the television. This means that I’ve been watching movies again. Not new ones, that would be far to radical of me. I’d been watching Scooby Doo DVDs (8 of them), Scooby Doo the movie (the first one), The Avengers, Emperor’s New Groove, Kill Bill (Part 1 and Part 2), and now the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Tomorrow I’ll be watching more movies, I don’t know which ones, but I’ll be watching more.

One thing about LOTR I’ve been wondering about. The narrator says at the beginning that the elves are immortal folk. If this is the case, why is it that Arwen’s father is middle aged? Shouldn’t he appear to be in his 20s? I mean, sure, he doesn’t look like suffering from old age, but still, he has wrinkles and looks to be of about the right age to have a daughter the age Arwen is.

Dutchess hunted tonight. There was a rather large moth flying about the living room and she was in very close attendance to it. Alas, being an inside cat has caused her hunting skills to rust and she lost track of the prey as it flew toward my light. More to the point, it was my getting up to get out of the moth’s way (vicious things they are!) that caused her to lose the trail. Hopefully the moth won’t creep up and pounce on me when I’m least expecting it.

I got an email from my thesis supervisor yesterday. She wants to see what I’ve done. Of course, I’ve not done a damned thing since I saw her last. I asked her if I could take a year off the program. By the time a year is up I should be able to get back into doing stuff as I should. By that time Dad will probably have died and things will have settled out emotionally speaking. Either that or I’ll need to step away and not get my Masters degree. Regardless, I can’t do anything right now. It stretches my abilities to deal just going from one day to the next. Working is going to further stress that. It’s hard fighting the inertia I’m feeling. Adding stress to that isn’t going to help me any.

That’s about it for now.

The decision of the family is unanimous. No heroic measures are going to be used to resuscitate Dad. We are also not going to have them do much in the way of other measures, including dialysis. There’s not much point to it really. The blood tests aren’t all back yet. They’re trying to find out if he has an infection that is caused his kidneys to shut down.

Dad does have basic responses, but none of them bode well. When the nurses attend to him, take his pulse/blood pressure or wash him, he fights it.This doesn’t mean that he is aware of what he’s doing. He can’t swallow and therefore hasn’t taken any meds since he was found unconscious on Friday afternoon/evening. He doesn’t respond to commands of any sort and doesn’t respond to my brother’s voice.

We’re going to let nature take its course. The nurses will keep him comfortable, that’s all.

So now we wait for the inevitable.

To help me Bran has taken me on two car rides to help settle me down. He did that when my dog died in 1985. He would’ve done it if we had a car when my Mom died in 1993. He did that tonight. We went and got snacks for all of us. Did you know that Chapman’s Ice Cream company makes a no-sugar added, lactose free ice cream? They do. Only 14 grams of carbs per 1/2 C serving. That’s better than regular ice cream.

We went through the real estate listings for town as well. It was something to occupy my mind with and do a little bit of dreaming. It was a nice distraction. While we did that Golden Eye played on the DVD player. Laundry tomorrow so that we have clean clothes to to down to see Dad on Monday with. I’ll be sorting through the stuff collected over the years of Mom and Dad’s lives together (including “treasures” given to them by us kids). I don’t know what to do with things like their letters to each other from before they were married, Mom’s nursing uniform (100% cotton that had to be ironed and starched), Mom’s wedding dress and Dad’s wedding suit, and a plethora of other bits and pieces of so much living.

Thank you all, those who commented and those who are just thinking of me and my family. Your support means more than I could possibly say.

The best news of the week is that my friend’s husband woke up yesterday. The doctor’s are quite pleased which means my friend is more than happy. They’re even expecting him to get up and move around. So, for those of you who sent him prayers, good thoughts and other good things from afar, thank you!

I can’t think of anything else to say. Umm…I did my cardio workout on my own yesterday. My gym partner had in-between-thigh rash from wearing jeans on a hot day so he couldn’t make it to the gym and not look incredibly awkward. I did a quick 20 minute cardio workout and then headed to Admin to get my T2202 form printed since it wouldn’t print properly at home.

It was lovely yesterday. The temperature dropped and it was raining when I got out of the gym. Were it not for my cell phone getting wet (and then the delicate paper of the T2202 form) I would’ve just stood outside and waited for Bran to pick me up. It felt marvellously cool. Now it’s sunny and only 8C. There’s a prediction of snow for tonight. Yeah. Springtime in Saskatchewan.

The major downer I had last week appears to have lifted some. I don’t feel like bursting into tears at any given moment. I’m also not quite as irritable as I was. I’m still not great, but I’m better than I was.

That’s about it from my neck of the woods.

Ta-Ra

What have I been up to? Oddly enough, a fair bit. This is a long entry so get yourself a cup of tea. I’ll wait.

I got some seed beads to work on Bran’s handfast outfit thing I’m making for him. It’s like a priest’s stole but made of beads instead of embroidered cloth. I’m sure it’ll be quite a bit heavier too. Anyway, I picked up lovely red beads and some blue that are drop dead beautiful. It’ll all look really nice when I’m done.

Yesterday was a day of dishes and laundry. I got ALL the dishes done, the stove and counter tops all wiped off and thought about sweeping the floor. Yes, I thought about sweeping the floor. Alas, my back, after standing at the sink to do load after load of dishes, was in no fit shape to wield a broom. Some witch I am, right?

While I was doing that Bran and Boy were hip deep in laundry. Really, we hadn’t done all the laundry in a few weeks, just a couple 0h-I-Have-No-Shirts/Pants/Underwear loads that just did the necessities. It’s still not done yet, there are 3 more loads to go, but they made excellent progress in that. Not only did they do that, but I got the folding nearly done as well.

Boy also dried dishes and pumped up the bike tires. He was an enormous help to us. I just thought I’d put that out there as sometimes he feels under-/unappreciated. Without him the work would’ve taken much longer if it got completed at all.

Then today was an excellent workout. I did a full 20 minutes on the elliptical machine. I didn’t stop to drink water and when I drank I didn’t spill all over myself. I really have to get a bottle with a built in straw. It saves me the embarrassment of looking like a totally uncoordinated slob. I’m only a partially uncoordinated slob.

We also did work on our arms on the weights. I was in the Captain’s Chair and managed to get to 5 leg lifts before my shoulders gave out and I started drooping. We also did weight assisted chin ups (two different kinds) and dips. Then we worked on pecs on two machines and the other of my favourite machines but I don’t remember what it works.

Then it was home to shower (eventually I did) and get ready to go out for sushi with friends. It was wonderful connecting with them again. They’re both good people with good hearts and fabulous senses of humour.

My shower was satisfying. This past week I’ve been dealing with a bit of an emotional dip. Ok, so more than a dip. I tanked earlier in the week and I haven’t recovered from it yet. So my mood is low. So showering is something that fell somewhat by the wayside. It’s hard to be motivated to do anything and getting out of bed to get to work was a major accomplishment. Let’s just say that personal hygiene has been taking a hit.

Anyway, I did shower today. My legs are freshly shorn and moisturized. My hair is fly-away clean (as only curly hair can be) and I smell fresh. I’m hoping to hit the shower at least every second day as a part of trying to lift the mood. We’ll see how that works.

This week has been somewhat distressing as well because of a co-worker/friend’s circumstances. Anyone who has friended me on Facebook will have seen my status thingie about that. She and her hubby went to Edmonton where he could have heart surgery. He has a congenital heart defect and it needed some work. They spent twice as long in surgery as they planned (11 hours) then, because of bleeding and other complications, he had to go back into surgery the next day. He’s currently in critical condition on life support. Though he’s making small improvements there’s the spectre of him not making it. They’re a young couple with two young children. I’ve been sending Reiki left, right, and centre and hoping for the best. I hate it that there’s virtually nothing else I can do in terms of helping.

This added to the general lowness of my mood and had me in tears on Friday night. I don’t usually cry unless there’s some impetus, like a movie or someone hurting my feelings. Just sitting and being weepy isn’t something I normally do. It’s also not a good thing considering that I’m on anti-depressants. This leads me to think that perhaps my dosage needs to be elevated. However, I can’t do that without seeing a physician and my doctor scarpered (see previous post about that) so I don’t have a doctor right now.

Earlier tonight I was called in to work because the person who was to work the 8-12 shift didn’t show up. I got out of the house and was on the way when I got the call that she’d finally turned up. So instead Bran and I headed off the the drug store (pharmacy/apothecary/chemist’s) for cinnamon, antihistamine and junk for Boy and I. We also got a squirt container of liquid soap for the kitchen. The old soap squirt container we had was a long-ago Christmas present from Boy when he was in elementary school. It never did squirt right and recently wouldn’t squirt at all. Thanks to the antihistamines I’ll have less vertigo related nausea when I’m doing things like ab crunches and such. Gotta love being allergic to your pet.

Speaking of pets…Bran managed to do some grooming of her today (or was it yesterday?) and got a kitten. She’s also lost a little bit of body fat thanks to the food she’s been on the past while (older cat/indoor cat). This means that she can take care of her own “intimate” grooming. Of course she has to stop and do it while I’m walking behind her…on my way to the bathroom…first thing in the morning when my bladder is screaming to be emptied. Yeah, she’s such a cat.

When we were leaving to take me to do the work that I didn’t end up doing tonight, I was confused. Somewhere, thanks to the housework we did yesterday, I lost the entire day. I thought today was Saturday and I wasn’t going to work a 4 hour shift, but an entire 12 hour shift.

Oh, one thing about yesterday. I got a pair of ear buds to replace the ones that I lost the rubber thing to. These are Sony buds for sports. They have soft over-the-ear holders and are sound eliminators. They came with a hard case that makes it more difficult to lose bits. They should last a nice long time. They’re quite comfortable to wear and muffle outside noise nicely. Since I won’t be wearing them for outside exercise they’re be quite useful.

I also figured out a way to go on the jogging outings with my gym partner. You see, because of sciatica I can’t jog. It’s what makes standing still for long periods of time painful (remember how dishes made my back blow out? That’s why). The compression of the disc onto the sciatic nerve is the reason jogging (which would cause further compression) isn’t a good idea. However, I have roller blades. So long as I manage to move forward and not land on my butt, I can go along while he runs. He also has a pair of blades so we could zoom along together. Cool, right?

That’s about it. Now I have to label this entry. It’s going to be a long list. Try and pick out the one thing in the labels that I didn’t mention in the entry.

Today I woke up at 9 am so that I could phone the doctor’s office and find out when my appointment was. Yesterday, about 10 minutes after I made the appointment and no writing it down, I couldn’t remember when it was for. I thought 10:45, Bran thought 10:15. He was right. I reset the alarm to 9:30 and went back to snoozing.

At the doctor’s office I got a script for Celexa (older version of Cypralex). We changed to Celexa because it’s covered under the drug plan and the newer version isn’t and I wouldn’t be able to get exceptional drug coverage for it. I will be on the same dose of Celexa as the Cypralex but might have to increase.

Also, because of the constant heartburn and that it’s been waking me up. If it’s that bad then it should be taken care of. So now I’ll be taking Ranitidine twice a day.

After that I got the note to request that professors cut me breaks on deadlines for assignments “because of her medical condition”. So hopefully this will relieve the pressure I’m feeling and allow me to get things done at the pace I’m able to push myself and catch up.

My knee doesn’t show any arthritic accumulation on the x-ray, just some fluid build-up. So I’ll be going for physio-therapy and have a requisition for that.

After we finished at the doctor’s office we went to Charlie’s fish market and I got some sushi for being a good girl. Well, ok, it wasn’t for that. It was because a) I wanted sushi, b) we were at the same mall already, c) they make sushi, and d) I’d never been there and wanted to see what they had. The sushi selection was lovely. Only two had raw fish, the rest were either veggie or cooked fish. I got oyster (meh), lobster (sadly, meh), shrimp, a seaweed one I’d never had before (it was good), sea urchen (delicious!), and avocado (delicious!). I was content. They use undyed pickled ginger, so it wasn’t as colourful as it could have been, but it was still yummy. But I’m ahead of myself. We didn’t eat until we got home. I also picked up some instant Miso soup packets. I can take them to work and get a nice quick, low calorie, astronomically high sodium snack.

After the excursion to the fish store (not much in the way of fresh fish, sadly, but tons of frozen fish and more salmon of various types and such than you can shake a kodiak bear at. Anyway, we drove by Divine, which didn’t have a piercing sale advertised in their window and didn’t open for another 5 minutes. Instead we went down to Schmatta downtown. We found a parking spot and went in. I now sport two new piercings in my ear helix. I thought that getting two at the same time would be ok, but next time I’m going to only get one at a time. The first piercing hurt a lot and because everything was all swollen and irritated the second piercing hurt even more. Interestingly my ear doesn’t hurt much at all unless I try to lay on it (as I discovered when I rolled over in bed). They look totally fabulous. Here are a couple of shots I took. They’re a bit fuzzy, but it’s hard to get a good shot when you can’t look through the viewfinder. click to make them bigger:

and

After that we headed to the drug store for the scripts. They didn’t have them ready so I picked up a few other things and Bran got one, a personal groomer to trim his nose and ear hair. I also picked up some Kleenex wet wipe things to have at school, contact lens saline and some cotton balls to use for cleaning the piercings. I know have enough Shoppers points built up to buy $25 worth of stuff.

Oh, the piercing place has the hair dye we talked about, DarkDaughta. All kinds of colour! That totally rocked my boat.

After we were done at the drug store we headed to Wendy’s for Bran’s and Boy’s lunch (and some chicken nuggets for me to augment the sushi lunch) we came home and ate. Then I laid down for a nap. I work graveyards this weekend and have to be at work in an hour. I also have to find something to eat before going but it doesn’t look like I’m going to think of anything. Boy is has Hot Shots Part Deux in the DVD player and they’re busy making fun of every single possible movie made that could be snuck into a movie script (and a few advertisements)…now is the chicken shot ala Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.

I have a package waiting at the Co-Op mail depot. That will be the Camelbak Better Bottles and straws that I ordered. They stalled the order because the straws were on back order. I think that’s what is there. It’s way too early for any of the t-shirts I ordered to be in yet.

That’s been my day. I’ll take my reading to work and hope to get more done including beginning the beginnings of my literature review and changing my methods pre-proposal. I also want to get a head start on my monthly report so that I all I have to do later in the week is record the final stats.

Ta-Ra

…do something.

I’ve not had the wherewithall to do much in the way of entries of late. I’ve done homework, but mostly I’ve retreated into the realm of make believe and watched Law and Order: SVU. Really, that’s been pretty much all I’ve done. Well, I did work, I did eat, I did sleep. I even went to school. But when I wasn’t doing those things I had my face attached to my computer screen watching old episodes.

In other news, I’ve got one of my required three committee members for my MA stuff. I have one more to get, but I’ve not met her and have to meet and talk with her first. I did send her an email. I hope that she gets back to me soon.

I can’t say that life is all beer and skittles. I don’t like beer at all and skittles don’t thrill me much either. The antidepressants have taken the edge off the depression and some of the anxiety, but not enough. I struggle a lot with motivation and doing things that are required of me (as demonstrated by my current obsession with past episodes of SVU). I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow afternoon to assess whether to increase the dose or try another drug.

Boy has started a new semester at school. He says he’s enjoying it thus far. We’ll see how things go for him.

I probably won’t be online much for the next week or so. I have two presentations to prepare for next week and one for the week after. I also have an online assignment required to be done as well as getting a project proposal done for Methods. I’m a titch swamped and since I’m having troubles with concentration it’s best I focus what little I have on school work.

I’m sure things will change. Please be patient.

Lately all I’ve done is complain about what’s going wrong in my life. There’s lots, including the fact that neither Bran nor I have jobs and we have absolutely no money to pay bills or rent. It’s going to be interesting that’s certain. Anyway, after I finish here I’ll be hitting up the job sites in hopes of finding something to apply for. I’ll also be hitting up the Tim Horton’s and Co-Op near us to apply for a job. I’d rather work at a Stop-and-Rob and be able to pay for something than have nothing at all.

I had my last class of the year and of my Baccalaureate degree this afternoon. The paper I turned in is rife with stupid errors of not being careful about things because I waited too long to do anything about it. However, the fact that it’s done and handed in is a bonus to me. I had more problems with motivation and getting things going than I’ve ever gotten.

My face still hurts, but not like it has. It’s all related to one specific tooth on the other side from the broken molar. Of course, this means that I can’t eat anything crunchy or that requires any amount of chewing. I have to chew with my front four teeth. It gives me a very good understanding of why we have molars in the first place and a new appreciation for them. Whatever is wrong with the tooth (and I suspect another abscess) has my lymph node under my jaw swell up and hurt a lot. That’s why I suspect the abscess. However, it could also be just general irritation as well.

Last night Bran and I walked to the drug store and I got a mouth plate that will help me stop from clenching and grinding my teeth. That’s what created the issue in the beginning. When I sleep, especially when I dream, I clench my jaws together. I’ve woken up with sore jaws before because of that. This is the first time that I’ve had tooth problems because of it. I was rather disturbed by the state of the mouth piece until I realized that there was a way to make it form to my upper teeth. After I’d done that the fit was much, much MUCH better. I used it last night and for the first time in a long while I slept through the night. I didn’t even wake up drooling…in fact, I don’t think I drooled at all. A pleasant surprise.

I made Liptons chicken noodle soup with the addition of about 2/3 of a package of lemon pepper linguine from Catelli and a couple of cans of sweet peas we’d gotten from the food bank. I don’t really like canned veg except corn, creamed corn and French cut spiced green beans (the ones withe the pimentos in them) so adding the peas to the soup used up the peas and gave them a little flavour from the broth. There’s some leftover for Boy to take for lunch tomorrow.

The landlord is coming by tomorrow with a real estate assessor to get a valuation on the house for a refinancing. I’m rather worried. We can’t afford to pay more than what we’re paying now. Really, the rent here is downright exorbitant. If they raise the rent there’s no way we can stay here. There are times when I wish that we’d gone through Saskatoon Housing and gotten a low rent house despite already having agreed to rent here. At least that way we’d not be in the pickle we’re in now.

That’s about it. I won’t hear about the job I interviewed for until early next week when the security checks should be done. I hope I get it. It won’t pay as much as we need, but it’ll be around what we get now in student loans. At least we won’t be any worse off than we’re at now. Then if Bran gets something we’ll do ok.

I hate being poor. It sucks.

The kitchen is clean. Boy and I have been keeping up with the dishes regularly and today I took care of them all, got the counter tops cleaned, cleaned off the messy stove, swept the floors and generally got it looking like a kitchen should, clean. I also did supper dishes, though there weren’t many to do.

Boy is having “issues” at school with math and science. One is a problem with catching up because of the time he missed in February. The ohter is because a teacher is insisting that he’s not turned in homework that he and his partners in the assignment insist they handed in. We’re going ot have to go to bat for the kids on this one. On the math, Bran is helping out, Boy will be seeing a tutor on Thursdays at lunch and his teacher at Tuesday lunch to catch up and bring his mark up. Until his mark is over 70% he doesn’t get computer time. I think that has been the major deterrent to him doing his homework properly. Add that to issues around comprehension and not asking for help, you have a bad situation for academic achievement.

My ear buds are broken. Well, not totally broken, but the wire for the left bud has become detached and I have to have it wrapped a specific way around the player to get it to play. I’m glad I figured out how to do that. I don’t have a spare pair, Bran’s hurt my ears and Boy’s are his and he won’t lend them to me because he listens to his own music with them. Right now my Walkman is plugged into the stereo playing music. It was funny. Earlier Bran asked me if it was playing because there was the possibility that a music channel was on. If it was it was playing all music he liked.

I think that’s about it. Tomorrow is laundry day. It’s also the day I go through and rerecord music onto my computer. I’m missing some of the good stuff on my computer that I want and I want to reload my Walkman with it. There are a few songs on the player, one specifically by Bif Naked, that I don’t want. It’s one where she plays her guitar in a very erratic and agitated way that never fails to leave me feeling somewhat frayed. I want to get rid of that one.

Maybe I’ll take and post a picture of the kitchen just to show what it looks like without a lot of crap on the counter tops. If I do that, I’m going to have to put the dishes away first. They’re air drying right now.

I’m tired. I took one of Bran’s codeine tablets and I’m getting somewhat stoned. It has worked to relieve the discomfort though. The pain is always worst after I eat, no matter how soft the food is. I have a blanket up against the side of my head and the left side of my face is snuggled into it.

That’s about it. Sorry for all the bitching and moaning. If I don’t do it here, then I won’t do it anywhere and that’s never a help to me.

Ta-Ra

It’s sort of what today has been. I got up at 8 and about 1/2 hour later I went back to bed to get more sleep. I didn’t wake again until not long after 3 pm. Bran slept longer, until about 4. He had also gotten up before that, but it was around 11 or so. Then he came back to bed later.

For supper we had leftovers from last night…sort of. The chicken and mushroom gravy were leftover, the rice and corn were fresh. It was darn good. The thing that sucks was trying to keep food out of the broken tooth. Having food in there doesn’t just hurt, it feels gross.

I’m still tired. I still want to sleep. I have papers I have to read for my theory term paper that’s due on Tuesday. But I don’t want to, so I’m likely going to be lazy.

My thoughts are still in turmoil about my brother and the situation he created. He’s certainly managed to shake the family up.

I know that Dad is going to be infuriated by this. The last time something like this came up was when a neighbour had an affair with her neighbour (they lived in the first two houses across the street from Dad’s house). She left her husband for the boyfriend. The boyfriend left his wife (who was pregnant with twins at the time). Dad refused to speak to her (the unfaithful neighbour) after that. She died from a blood clot after a car accident.

Now it comes to roost in Dad’s family. One thing I’m going to make sure of is that if Dad decides to treat my brother the way he treated our neighbour I’m going to call him out on it. I mean, sure my brother fucked up and has hurt lots of people, he hasn’t committed a criminal act, unlike my other brother who sexually assaulted me when I was a kid. Dad still maintains a relationship and loves him. I’m not going to let him abandon his other son.

One thing is certain, times are going to be interesting for the next while.

Oh, speaking of interesting, Boy and I have been keeping up with doing dishes since they were done a couple of weeks ago. It’s rather nice to go into the kitchen and have space to work.

Our windows have been replaced with modern upgrades. They’re those vinyl framed windows. They open really easily, have little thingies in the frame that prevent them from bieng opened wide enough for someone from outside to crawl through. Bran has them pulled out in the kitchen to keep people out since they’re at the back. Then there are two locks on the top of each window that allow you to pull the window out and wash the outside without having to go outside. The bedrooms each have two crank windows that are conceding to firecodes. They’re large enough to escape from should the need arise.

Since they’ve been put up, there has been no draft from the windows except when we wanted them. Spring is coming. The snow is melting and temperatures are above zero in the daytimes so there isn’t a whole lot of cold draft anyway, but it is warmer. With the nice large window in the bedroom is perfect and has made it possible to not have the fan on while I’m sleeping.

That’s about it. Not a very well written entry, but it’s what’s been going on here.

It’s not been a good day. I’ll stop at that else things become maudlin.

Actually, it’s not, but it is rather sad. Check out Garfield Minus Garfield and live the high life.

I stole the link from Josef Blind.