I’d rather it have stopped the day before Thomas died. I’d still have him in my life. I’d still be able to share the cool things I encounter. I’d hear him laugh as he reads comics. I’d see his smile when he sees me. I miss him.
I’m taking on a new position at work. Near the end of the month I’ll be moving into the case worker position. It will mean that I will do a whole lot less support work (which involves building checks, filling supplies, handing out meds and YMCA passes, etc.) and doing more paperwork and more direct support/counseling with residents. I’ll still be running the Reporting Centre, which I was originally hired to do five years ago. The good thing is that part doesn’t involve a whole lot of work. It’s more of a step side-ways.
This move will help me move to the counselor position when the current counselor goes on maternity leave. I’ll be working her job for a year while she’s enjoying having her third baby. When she comes back, I’m move back into the case worker position. Hopefully, this move will help me get a job with probation. The current case worker is moving on to become a CX (guard) at one of the provincial jails.
With the disruption that has been going on with my sleep of late, working day shifts really fucks me over badly. Worse yet, this week I had to switch to an evening shift on one day (working until midnight) because of a doctor’s appointment in the morning. This means that I had to get up at 6 am after working until midnight the day before. On three of the days I had a nap in the evening because I just couldn’t keep awake any longer…usually around 6 pm. I’d wake up at 10 and then go back to bed again at 1 or 2. I’d wake up around 5 and then doze until dragging myself out of bed between 6 and 6:30.
Boy had another toenail removed yesterday. More to the point, he got it re-removed. He’s been having trouble with hangnails on his big toes for the past couple of years. They did a partial excision (taking it off on either side of the nail) but that didn’t stop the problem. Just after Thomas died, Boy kicked an ice buildup on the underside of my car and popped the nail mostly off the nail bed. That was removed the week before the memorial. His other big toe was having issues again with hangnails and so he made the appointment for late yesterday.
When I went in to see the doctor on Tuesday to get forms for Student Loans filled out, I got a requisition for massage therapy. I have to have one in order to have my supplementary health insurance cover the costs. I’ve been having a lot of problems with my stress being reflected in neck and upper back pain. It gets bad enough that it radiates down my back and through to the front of my chest. All I have to do is tip my head to the right and front a bit, and the muscles of my left back stretch out and pain shoots through to the front of my rib cage. I also talked about a couple of other things, but I can’t recall off-hand what they were. We did talk about Thomas and life after his death, both for me and for him (the doctor). He’s a good guy.
I cut the very tip of my pinky finger. You know, one would think that cutting up an avocado wouldn’t be quite such an issue, but I was a little less than careful and managed to cut straight down onto the tip of my finger. It bled like crazy. Now, it’s very contact sensitive so typing is an issue. As well, there is skin protruding above the fingertip that catches on things. I’m wearing one of those fingertip bandages. While offering my fingertip some nice protection, it’s making typing interesting.
My coworkers are hosting a fundraising steak night for Boy and I on Sunday evening. At first I was going to go, then I decided to stay home. It feels awkward that people are raising money for me. Then I decided to go anyway. Boy and I will be attending. Despite how awkward it is going to feel, those people are kind enough to buy tickets, attend and probably buy tickets on a dessert auction, raffle and 50/50 tickets. I should be ok enough to go and thank them.
After that I’ll drop Boy off at home and head to poetry. I’ll be late, probably not have a seat, but I’ll be there. I missed the past two weeks because I just couldn’t get out of the house. I want to go again. I don’t know how long I’ll keep going to the events. For now, it’s almost a compulsion and I feel greatly guilty if I don’t go.
For any Canadians out there reading. If you have Firefox and a subscription to Netflix, you can watch American content (the Canadian content being pathetically paltry) by downloading an add-on called “Media Hint”. This will allow you to view American content without having to use an American DNS. It makes life much less trouble. I’m disappointed that I haven’t been able to see the A&E programs I like (The First 48, for one), but there are lots of other programs that I’ve not looked at. Right now I’m watching “Alaska State Troopers”. I look forward to seeing more programs. I have Boy to thank for this joyous addition to our lives. He’s been watching all kinds of new shows, which is nice for him, because aside from his very sore toe, he’s been sick with a nasty cold and having something to entertain him as been a good thing.
There’s not a whole lot more to say right now. I’m thinking of laying down for another nap.
I didn’t tell him to be safe and careful and to remember that I loved him. That was what we said to each other for nearly all our married life. Once, when we were still relative newly weds, I forgot and his day was ruined because of it. Since then I’d been careful to remember. I didn’t this time. While I know it’s silly and pointless, I can’t help but get the feeling that if I’d remembered, he wouldn’t have died.
I don’t know if it’s because of this, or because I need the comfort food, but I’ve been eating bread again. I’ve also been paying the price of doing so with diarrhea and abdominal cramping. Right now I feel like I don’t have a right to be healthy. I have his entire supply of medications, including dilaudid. I’m not going to take them, but I still have them. Eating bread appears to be functioning as a low grade poisoning.
Sometime in the next few weeks I have to sell Clifford, the big red truck. Boy and I will empty it out, wash it and get it detailed before we do so. We’ll also see if we can fix the passenger seat. It’s stuck adjusted as far back as it can go. We couldn’t see anything in the way, but the lever isn’t working and I want to have it fixed before I sell the truck.
I’m not having much success in dealing with Thomas’s death. Everything that I do, everywhere I go, I’m reminded of his absence. I have to do much of the shopping alone now. I pay the bills. I drive Boy here and there around town. He’s not in the living room, at his computer. He’s not laying in bed snoring or reading his latest book. The only thing that appears to be still functioning is his Tumblr account. He used the queue function and, apparently, had enough to carry through for a long time.
I’ve sent a message to Facebook asking that the memorialize his account. This will mean that people will be able to write on his wall, but there will no longer be new updates and no friends can be added. We’ll see how long that takes. My co-worker, whose husband died a few years ago did that with his account. This way people can still “talk” to him in some small way.
I’m tired. Down to the bone, to the very core of my being, I’m exhausted. This past week I slept well on two nights. I’m pretty sure it was the sleep of the exhausted. Now I’m back to the usual 3 or 4 hours of disturbed, light sleep. I have thought of sleeping pills, but I don’t want to risk the addiction value, and I have enough drugs in the house as it is.
On a less death related note, I’m thinking of getting Netflix. I have to get the Canadian version of it. I could get the American version, but that would mean having to use a proxy server and that complicates my life a bit more than I can deal with right now. Having the Canadian version isn’t so bad as it has a lot of BBC programs available. However, having the American version would mean access to A&E and TLC and some of the other networks that broadcast true crime programs. EDITED TO ADD: I became a member of Netflix. Right now I have a free month. At first blush, I’m disappointed.
I’ve mostly settled into work. My schedule is going to be screwed up for the next while. One of our support staff quit and the case worker gave notice on Friday. This means that, until new staff is hired, cleared, and trained, current staff have to cover shifts. In a few months I’ll be taking over the counsellor job while the current counsellor goes on maternity leave for a year.
If they don’t hire a guy for the case worker position, I’m going to want it. It’s solid evenings, but I can live with having a regular hours instead of having to change from days to evenings each week. My weekends, however, would suffer. I’d have to work them and have a “weekend” on Tuesdays and Wednesdays instead.
Tomorrow and Friday I’ll be working 7 am to 3 pm. That means I have to be up and out of the house an hour earlier than normal. What have I done to myself? Not a morning person doesn’t even begin to describe me.
I’ll be making the groomsmen’s presents for my boss. Apparently a little cross stitch I did for him that referenced a Star Wars quote, something about hokey light sabers and preferring a blaster, is the envy of his friends. For his wedding present I’m making a cross stitch of his and his fiance’s first names, the date of their wedding and a small princess and Darth Vader. So I had to text him and say that I won’t do any Darth Vader patterns but couldn’t say why. Yeah, he now knows what part of his present is.
I’ve been watching British cop and emergency shows on You Tube. If you like that sort of stuff, look for ukpolice4. You’ll be able to watch the same shows as me. They’re fill episodes, so none of that 10 minutes at at a go. I’m enjoying it.
While watching these shows, I did come to realize that certain accents create a lot of work for me. For instance, strong Welsh accents require a lot of concentration for me to consistently understand what they’re saying. There were times when I though the cops broke out in Gaelic just to screw with the audience. I’m sure they didn’t, that it was just the accent, but you never know.
Working at a half-way house has enabled me to watch drug sniffing dogs at work. There’s a “passive search” do that was being used to seek out people who were carrying drugs. I think it was ecstasy, pot, cocaine and heroin that the dog was trained to search for. The dog and handler would go into pubs. When the dog smelled drugs on or about a person it would indicate by sitting beside the suspect person. They caught an enormous number of people. There were places where you could tell they didn’t edit out bits and there were multiple indications in a row. Amazing.
English cops are a fascinating bunch. Did you know that there are only certain police officers who are qualified to do high speed chases? It’s true. Of course, we all know about bobbies not carrying guns. So not seeing the side arm as standard issue is definitely interesting. It’s a whole different world of law enforcement over there.
Thanks to the plague I contracted, I have chapped lips. I’m not used to chapped lips. Even in the dead of winter my skin is usually in good control, dryness-wise. Sure I use hand lotion, but my lips are nearly never a problem. Now I have to use lip balm to combat the effects of nasty old tissues needed to blow my nose. Happily I’m nearly done with the frequent need to blow my nose. The balm is helping a lot.
That’s it. I’ve lasted as long as I can. I’m taking my phone (so I can watch another video, and heading off to bed.
That’s the situation I’m in right now. I’m working day shifts this week and that means that sleep is all wonky. My normal pattern is to not sleep well on Sunday night (in this case it was Monday because it was a long weekend for us Cannucks), then by Thursday I have my sleep pattern sussed out to be able to survive through Friday. However, after hitting bed around 9:30 tonight, I woke up at midnight to Bran coughing and having to pee like crazy. I got up and then couldn’t get back to sleep.
It’s now nearly 4 am and I have to be up for work at 8.
I’ve been watching “Deadly Women” episodes on You Tube. It’s a good way of spending time.
I made a discovery. It appears that the videos that are displayed on my Android tablet are very different, or lacking, from the computer display. I’ve found some on each of the formats that aren’t on the other. I can’t figure it out. I’ve been spending all night watching videos that I can’t find on the tablet. It’s the same channel.
I’ve been having to wear the splint on my left arm again. My tendonitis has gotten bad again. It hurts to turn my wrist, so things like turning keys (like I have to do to open doors at work) is very painful. The worst part is that it’s been very hot, and extremely humid so wearing the splint is really uncomfortable. But it’s better than taking a ton of ibuprofen all day long.
Dang. I have a mosquito bite. I’d hoped to avoid that this year despite the heavy and frequent rainfall. Speaking of which, I looked at a paper not long after the start of the spring thaw, the headline said that it was supposed to be a dry summer. That’s not been the case. We’ve had some very violent storms which include hail, heavy winds and tornadoes. The tornadoes have all avoided populated areas. The most damage done has been to farm yards. There have been some very impressive photos of cluster tornadoes.
I’m going to try and sleep again. I have three hours (if I don’t get up until 7 am) to try and get in a nap. I know that I’ll feel like shit after, but I if I don’t I’ll have huge issues staying awake at work in the afternoon…and morning.
We’ve had a spate of very interesting weather up here lately. We’ve had some wonderful, nature-smashing storms with thunder, lightning, hail, driving rain, wild wind and tornadoes. Yesterday we lost power for 8 hours because of branches blown down from trees. And it wasn’t just our house/neighbourhood. It was all over the city. Anywhere there were large, mature trees, there were blown down branches and downed power lines. There were also damaged cars and buildings. Tornadoes were sighted north and west of the city so we were on a tornado watch for most of yesterday.
I’m doing cross stitch. I’ve made a present for a co-worker who is pregnant and due in October. I have to find three little frames for the a,b,c I stitched up for her nursery. I’m now working on the horoscope signs of Bran, Boy and myself to frame up and put up in our living room.
Work is going well. I’ve been allowed access to the CSC information site. This means that I can access information about the men and women referred to the Reporting Centre. We have to have that information because if an offender is going to spend time in the Centre we have to know what we might have to watch out for. This also gives me access to a secure email system so I can easily communicate with parole officers. On Tuesday I’ll be inputting the month end reports for our residents.
I’ve become very attached to You Tube. I’ve been watching all kinds of true crime shows. Many of the shows I’d never seen before. One channel that is featured prominently in this genre is Investigation Discovery. I don’t know where that channel originates. I’d like to think that if I got cable again that I could get it from the USA. What makes me doubt that is that is that the announcers always have an English accent. That’s not the norm on American networks. Right now, as I type, I’m watching “World’s Wildest Police Videos” hosted by former Sheriff John Binnel (sp).
I got a haircut a couple of weeks ago. It had grown out to the point of nearly being able to be tied back. In order to keep it out of my face I had to wear a headband. I liked it, but it was hard to keep off the nape of my neck. This meant that the coming summer was going to be a whole lot warmer then I like. So I got it all cut off…well, not all, but it’s darned short.
Bran’s truck cost us a whole shit pile of money. We thought he was having transmission issues (which would have been okay because that’s covered on a 3 year warranty from our purchase last year). The repair guys said that it was probably the tires and alignment. The said tires were dangerously worn. So we replaced them. If you buy a vehicle, I recommend a car or small SUV that takes regular tires. They’re a whole lot less expensive. I’m not sure, but I think the issues we thought were the transmission have been resolved…at least for now.
That’s about it for now. I have to start looking for clothes for work.
I took this video tonight at the weir. They are suckers swimming against the very strong current just below the weir in Saskatoon. The water is very high right now. I can’t help but think they were playing because they surely weren’t getting anywhere.
Sorry, Vimeo isn’t working so I’m going to load it into You Tube. This might take a while as it’s HD.